Thursday, September 17, 2009

Parents with a Broken Heart

Hello my friends, was too tired/emotional to post last night.....but I did have a great sleep. I was up at 7 am as I had to go for blood test after fasting. Since I have to take my insulin I had to have a scheduled morning, something I don't like. I don't do mornings well!

I have told you about my neighbor's home being broken into. Last night, early evening really I took coffee and doughnuts over to them. I wanted to say hello and see how they were doing. What I found when my friend opened her door still haunts me.

I could tell she had been crying and was very upset. I passed her the coffee and told her I wouldn't come in, just wanted to let her know I was thinking of them. She insisted that I share the coffee (at this time I could of kicked myself for bringing a tray with 3 large cups on it) I assured her that I was fine and would visit on the weekend, but she wouldn't take no for an answer. As I sat down she started crying... I learned about the break in, in her and her husband's words and it broke my heart.

The police had found all their items at a pawn shop.....they then traced them to the was their own son. Apparently he is a drug addict and needed money. They had refused his request only a couple of days earlier as they were tired of his irresponsibility. They never thought for a moment he would break into their home. They also didn't realize how ill he really is. Their hearts were broken....and they were in the process of trying to decide what they should do. To have their items returned to them, they had to press charges. If they wanted their insurance company involved they had to press charges, to help their son they had to press charges. They didn't want their son to go to jail.....they wanted to help him instead. They didn't feel being in jail would do anything to help his drug problem, I have to say I agreed with this....they also wanted their property back. I felt I shouldn't be there, these were big decisions that had to be made among themselves....why would they want me to hear what they were saying, and what could I say or do to console them? I still don't know, I only listened and hugged them, assuring them that whatever decision they made would be the right one, they were the ones who had to live with this, not the police nor the insurance company. Their son in my opinion should be held accountable but I wasn't about to share that with them. They were in enough pain. I am still not sure what they decided to do, I will leave it to them to tell me, if anything, what their decision is.....even today I refused to discuss it with other is a family problem and their business. I know they will resolve it the best way for them and their son and I will trust their decision always with the love and respect they so badly need right now.

This brings myself to question about trust. Love for your child never dies, but trust can and sadly does. How can that trust be rebuilt, can it even be rebuilt? I'm not sure but I pray for them, their son and their family. Trust is a special bond with is not a given as love has to be earned. I have learned this valuable lesson on a personal level. I don't know how not to love those in my life, I find it easy to give my love and share it unconditionally. Trust is another matter, there are those that have severed this wonderful gift I gave them, and I have to admit that I have yet to trust some people even today. I am not proud of this, I want to trust everyone but just because I want to doesn't mean I do. I realize it is human to let others down, we are not perfect. One can forgive by themselves but it takes more than one to have a relationship. I'm not sure if a relationship can survive without is something that I find myself working and praying on everyday. Will these parents ever be able to trust their son again? I don't know the answer, but I really want to believe this can happen.

Have a wonderful day my friends, may you always be surrounded by people you not only love but can always trust.

Am sending you all many, many hugs........:-)


Diana said...

You know Bernie, the neighbors son is ill and maybe someday if he ever gets better they may be able to trust him again. I can only imagine how heartbreaking this would be and I wouldn't even attempt to say what I would do if this were to happen to me because I don't know what I would do! And how would we unless we were in that position. I imagine that this was uncomfortable for you for that reason.
I don't think that we can have a relationship , a real one , without trust. But I do think that it can be gained back in certain circumstances.
Love Di

Queenmothermamaw said...

Oh what a sad story. Bernie you are just the kindest person to talk to I am sure. Those folks probably needed to tell you. Most times folks don't need someone to tell them what to do, as you didn't, but just to listen. God bless your ministry to others. The Ministry of Presence.

Wanda said...

Hi Bernie...what a tough call for the parents...I guess I would press charges without pause if that meant he might get the help he needs and not just jail time...if he can steal like that from his own parents...I don't think he will seek any help on his own....and he certainly needs help.

As far as learning to trust someone again...I guess it depends on the seriousness of the wrong done...but once it's broken...the offender has to prove they are trustworthy and that means by actions and deeds...not by words it takes time to rebuild that trust, be it family or friend!

I guess one good thing in this situation Bernie is the relief it isn't some unknown thief still at large.


Bernie said...

Di, I love your optimisim...and I pray trust can be restored. I also agree that a real relationship is impossible without trust....oh what to do when the trust is gone...that is a post in itself.
Luv you.......:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

QMM, unfortunately all I had to offer was my presence and I wish I could tell you I was comfortable with being there but I wasn't, I just felt their pain so very much.
Talk soon......:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Wanda, you are the can always see the good in everything. I was relieved to know there wasn't someone running around breaking into our condos but my neighbors pain and their faces are still haunting me today. In time perhaps that vision will go away.
I too feel this young man needs much more help than his mum and dad can provide....lets hope he gets it Wanda, he can have so many wonderful years ahead of him, but it has to be him who reaches out and accept the help offered.
Love you my friend....:-) Hugs

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

what a sad about heartbreak....I cannot even imagine....

GrandmaK said...

My goodness, what a sad story! Doesn't your heart break? Wishing you well, Bernie! Cathy ((HUGS))

Bernie said...

Teresa, I pray none of my friends ever have to imagine this scenario, one is more than enough. So many prayers are needed for this family and their troubles.
..........:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Cathy, yes I didn't think I would feel so deeply about this but their heartbreak has really touched me. Thank you for you well wishes my friend and I am sending you a big hug.....:-)

Blessings each day said...

At first I was worried that his was about that little baby we had been praying for, but this too is a sad situation.

I wonder if he couldn't have something like a house arrest and be in a forced re-hab program for a year or so? People on drugs are not in their right mind by any stretch of the imagination, but they also certainly cannot and should not be trusted either.

We must always hate the sin but love the sinner.

Sometimes jail involves re-hab so let us just pray that a wise and firm and loving decision is made.

I would just be overwrought having to make their they have any clergy from their church to help counsel them?

blessings and hugs,


Bernie said...

Marcy,I am so sorry...I never thought about how it may make people think about Lucy. I promise to be more thoughtful before I label a post again.
No Marcy, the family do not have any faith, so sad isn't it. Such a source of comfort which they really need right now yet this wonderful resource will go untapped. We can still pray for them Marcy and I know we will. I don't know anything about jails so I don't know if they offer a program to help him or not, I would like to think so....:-) Hugs

Choices said...

That is a heartbreaking story. As hard as it was, the parents did the right thing. Sometimes we need to give some tough love. Their son does need help. Hopefully, he will get the help he needs and win back the trust. It will take a long time,but I do believe that it will happen giving lots and lots of love.
Take care, Bernie.

The Retired One said...

It is quite a dilemma for them and their son. He definitely needs help. Perhaps holding him accountable by reporting him will be the step he needs. Sometimes people have to hit absolute bottom before they will admit having a problem and doing something about it. It is such a heartbreak for them. If they are like all other parents, they will question themselves on how they raised this boy and blame themselves.
My heart goes out to them too.

Jerelene said...

I thought the same as Marcy...I'm glad it's not about the baby. I am so sorry to hear that your neighbors have had to go through this. How sad for them. The poor young man is sick and needs some help. It must be heartbreaking for them. They need lots of prayers....
Love, Jerelene

Gail said...

Hi Bernie

I have been kind of low key.
I know addiction well as that is my life's work -as hard as it is for the parents if they press charges they are actually helping their son. If they cushion or shield him from being held accountable they ar enabling him to continue his addict behavior. Of course, it is way more complicated than that.
And you were such a good neighbor by bringing coffee and doughnuts and ;istening.

Now about trust - I"ditto" Wanda - because, trust, once broken takes along time to rebuild. And woreds are not enough - actions are waht matter and what allows people to feel safe again.

Love to you Bernie

Margie said...

How very heartbreaking for those parents.
It's so very sad!
I'm sure it was very helpful having you there with them, you are such a good person, Bernie.
Bless you!


Teacher's Pet said...

Bernie...when I read your blog, I literally put my hand over my mouth and said, "Oh NO!" when I read the part about the person that took their things was their son. What a double horrible blow to them. What would I do? I don't know that I could say until it happened. One has to make that decision for oneself...but I do know that having you there with them....listening to them....helps them carry it. You are a good all. I can't imagine anyone breaking your trust....ever. You are a God-loving woman...and I thank you for sharing their story with us. It is heartbreakig...and I hurt for those parents tonight. I'll pray for wisdom for know what to do that will be the best for them and their son.
Sweet dreams, Bernie.
Smiles to you from Jackie

Eileen said...

Well, my heart goes out to these parents, as Ray and I have been in this very situation (drugs/stealing from us/heartbreak). It is not easy to rebuild trust, in fact, for us the trust has not been rebuilt.
The love is there always, but the trust is not.
Sad situation, I really feel for these people and it was good of you to listen to them. Sometimes that is all we need, someone who will listen to us.
You are a good soul, Bernie.

Bernie said...

Choices, thank you, this young man needs love for sure but so does his parents....he has hurt them very much.......-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Joan, I didn't want to repeat very much of what they said to me last night but you hit it spot on, they were blaming so much on themselves trying to figure out what they did wrong....I think it is more society today than it is their parenting, I have met some beautiful people who have loved them children, taught them right from wrong but the child still chose drugs....don't know what the answers are Joan but they seem like loving and caring parents, perhaps there is no blame or no shame perhaps it was a stupid choice made by an addicted personality....I still think he should be held accountable for what he did, but who knows how this will end up........:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Jerelene, I am sorry it my label mislead you, I am so certainly wasn't my intention, I have to more careful.
This is a very sad situation, their son is ill and he is making his parents almost as ill as he is. They certainly need our prayers, and thank you for joining me and Marcy in that department..
Glad your feeling better......Hugs

Bernie said...

Hi Gail, I could of used your wisdom and experience last night, since I didn't I only listened and said very little. I also feel their son should be held accountable but how does a parent send their child to jail....I'm not sure I could do it. I still don't know what they have decided to do, I only know I am praying for all of them....:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Margie, I only wish I were more qualified, I could only be a supporting a friend. I had to word my post to respect our conversation but my heart is aching for that family.
I know you would of been there for them as I was, you are always kind and caring for your friends as well...Luv ya.....:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Jackie, thank you for joining us who are praying for this family.
Oh yes Jackie someone I loved and trusted more than life itself has hurt me and broke my trust for them ... that is another post for sometime when I am much stronger and able to share it.
I try always to be the best friend I can be, loyalty is important to me and I am sure most others are the same way, I am far from perfect but my word and respect for others is something that is very very important to me.
Welcome back, luv you....:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Eileen, I am sorry that you know first hand of this kind of and Ray are such wonderful parents and in the end this will be well known and respected by all your children. I am sure of this, love and kindness do not go unrewarded if not in this life then in the next.
This family needs prayers and I will always be their friend, I only wish I were more qualified to help with guidance and not only be able to do nothing to help but listen...Luv you.....:-) Hugs

Kay said... a topic! On the note of the son, they should press charges, they are his teacher and he must learn there are consequences to our actions, BUT they must also show they forgive him and want to help him through an obviously troubling time by being there with him, open and honest...I know they are the only ones to make this decision and hope the family bond can be rebuilt. In honesty, it is all a variable as to if the son will learn a lesson from this and choose not to live that life. So difficult. sigh... on a side note, not at all surprised they confided in you with open hearts and a cup a joe, they probably need to talk it over many times to come to a conclusion. You are much stronger than I, as I would have felt the need to voice an opinion. A great ear you have. Two ears for twice the listening, one mouth for half the talking.

cinner said...

Hello Bernie, my heart was saddened to read about this family. My ex husband got into drugs really badly. He had promise after promise, and lie after lie, He had gotten help once in jail, and he played the game really well, went to rehab in there, to him it was a game a way to get out of jail, the same night he got high as a kite. The bottom line is they are so ill,but they at that point can only think about themselves. we divorced and we split everything in half, he needed the car as he was working making 27 an hour. 3 months after we were divorced he sold everything he left with for next to nothing. I kinda kept tabs on him for a few years, he did phone me once asking me to help him, I told him I would drive him to rehab, we were almost there and he jumped out of the car! sometimes I still wonder if he is alive or what has happened to him. I don't believe it has been good. It is sad to see someone do this to himself, I believe if the friends don't charge him then he is still being enabled...He needs rehab and that is a tough road if they are not ready. I have not told anyone in blogland about this. It is something I don't like to talk about...The son will probably try to manipulate his parents, I pray they have the strength to deal with it. They are in my prayers for sure. Big Hug Bernie.

Rebecca. Harlan, IN said...

I agree with you Bernie....broken trust is very difficult to mend. I'm sure your presence was a God-send to these poor folk, whether you realized it or not.

Tamara said...

Oh Bernie, what a heart-felt emotional post. I, too, have a son who is ill... he's currently in jail and has been there since Wednesday. He wants us to post the bond, but I am refusing. We've bailed him out so often in the past that I'm sure it's only enabled him. Sometimes life's decisions are difficult. I love my son, I just can't live with him. He's 29 and needs a life, a job and somewhere else to live. I'm rambling now, sorry.

Hugz to you and your neighbors.

Bernie said...

cinner, it must of been a horrible life for you....and not knowing if he dead or alive must be hard to live with. At least you were smart enough to move on and make a better life for yourself. One can only do so much.....Hugs

Bernie said...

Rebecca, I hope so. I wasn't really much help....I only cared for them and how they were feeling. A very sad situation.
Have a great weekend....:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Tamara, I am praying for you and your family. Our children today have so much/many things available to them and don't seem to accept/appreciate them by taking responsability. I agree you would only be enabling him and that will not help him to get better. Good Luck my friend, xoxo......Hugs

Bernie said...

Kay, I am not qualified at all except for being their friend. So many times parents take the blame or are given the blame when their kids get into trouble. So not fair, personally I don't know of any parent who teaches their kids to take is the full responsability of each person to make decisions and responsability for their own actions....doesn't take the sadness away though. Love sometimes for some people isn't enough.........:-) Hugs

Tranquility said...

Drug addiction is an emotional problem and the gentleman needs psychiatric help and rehabilitation. There has to be something big going on within him, for him to have taken this huge a step. The young man is in dire need of help.

What he unintentionally did was hurt his parents. But I hope the love of the parents supersedes the broken trust. Trust once broken cannot be mended but in rare cases when the offender ACTUALLY realizes his mistakes, and actually works towards undoing the damage, I guess it can come back, but I guess some scars or cracks will always remain.

May God bless the family

June Saville said...

Oh Bernie you are the sweetest lady.

I think you did the absolute best thing - people in such trauma need to have someone who will listen to them. That's a part of the working out what to do next I think.

This family would have to be in such turmoil. I hope they don't blame themselves in any way.

The thing about mental illness and drug problems (often chickens and eggs) is that it's so difficult to separate the person we know and love from the mental illness that is changing them. But that is our task.
Hugs to you especially.You have been such a help to these people. It is so important for people to be able to share at times like this.
June in Oz

June Saville said...

Oh Bernie you are the sweetest lady.

I think you did the absolute best thing - people in such trauma need to have someone who will listen to them. That's a part of the working out what to do next I think.

This family would have to be in such turmoil. I hope they don't blame themselves in any way.

The thing about mental illness and drug problems (often chickens and eggs) is that it's so difficult to separate the person we know and love from the mental illness that is changing them. But that is our task.

Hugs to you especially.You have been such a help to these people. It is so important for people to be able to share at times like this.
June in Oz

June Saville said...

Oh Bernie you are the sweetest lady.

I think you did the absolute best thing - people in such trauma need to have someone who will listen to them. That's a part of the working out what to do next I think.

This family would have to be in such turmoil. I hope they don't blame themselves in any way.

The thing about mental illness and drug problems (often chickens and eggs) is that it's so difficult to separate the person we know and love from the mental illness that is changing them. But that is our task.

Hugs to you especially.You have been such a help to these people. It is so important for people to be able to share at times like this.
June in Oz

Bernie said...

June, I am sorry but I think blogger has gone a bit wild this morning, I only posted your comment once but I see it has showed up many times.
Loved rereading them anyway. Have a great weekend.....:-) Hugs

catsmum said...

Oh how I feel for that family but I have to say that I would have been pressing charges. The son most likely will not get the help he so badly needs unless the system forces him to.
Whether his parents can or should ever trust him again only time will tell.

Bernie said...

Hi Susan, I so agree. He is now in a Mental Health Hospital where he hopefully can receive help. His parents know he is safe, warm with a place to sleep and 3 meals a day. So sad really. I do hope you are continuing to get well...Hugs