Monday, September 21, 2009

I Am Well

She was sitting in a small cubicle wearing one of those horrible gowns that even someone with a PhD wouldn't be able to tie so that she might look respectable let alone presentable.....she was nervous, she had been called back to the room twice for more "pictures" and sitting there alone, cramped and feeling naked brought back old feelings she thought had been dealt with....please God she prayed if those x-rays show the big "C" has come back then give me the grace and the courage to deal with it the way you want me too. Help me to be strong, do what I have to do and please God help me so that my family will not worry nor feel they have to leave their families again to come to my aid. Oh yes she said, change my life if you want but please God let's you and me work together not change their lives even a little bit.

She was me this afternoon, these are the prayers I said while waiting to speak to the radiologist.....tense yes, frightened no....I had myself prepared for whatever he was about to tell me......when the nurse finally knocked on the door and said he would see me, I asked if I could get dressed but she said no, leave your gown on. So I slowly walked down that seemingly never ending hall to his office. I immediately looked into his eyes, looking for signs of what was to come. I saw them, so blue and clear but they gave me no clues. After sitting down he began speaking with me, I wasn't even sure what he was saying, I knew he was talking, his lips were moving but I honestly cannot tell you what he said until he said, we found "NO cancer"....then I felt the relief spread through my body, tears came to my eyes and still I didn't hear a word he was saying as I was saying a prayer, "thank you God". After a few minutes his words started to settle in, this had been my third mammogram in 5 weeks, and one biopsy. The cyst had grown and he wanted to inject a needle and withdraw the fluid. He wanted to do it then....yikes...funny I was prepared to hear that my cancer had come back but I wasn't prepared to have a cyst drained. Okay I said, let's get it done then. We had to wait for another doctor and during this time the nurse cleaned the site with alcohol and injected freezing into the area. We went into another room where the doctors had access to small tv's so they could see exactly where they had to go to remove this liquid.....I looked at the very long but skinny needle, my first mistake. I turned my head away as they guided the needle into the proper place and they thought they would have everything done and me on my way in twenty minutes at the matter how many times or where they went they just couldn't find the liquid....finally a very small amount was extracted, the rest was hard and they realized after much discomfort that they could get no more. I was fine, it was okay, it wasn't cancer. That kind blue eyed doctor apologized as he thought it would of been full of liquid, he said I would be a bit sore when the freezing came out but I had nothing to worry about. He also said he wanted to see me again in December. This cyst wasn't going to hurt me but it was something that wasn't suppose to be in my body so he would look, take pictures and test again in December. I said thank you and went back to the small cubicle and dressed, I just wanted out of there.

When I got to my car the tears began to fall, I had been there almost 5 hours and most of that time was spent sitting around watching others come and go in a quickly fashion. My tears were of joy for myself and sadness for the young woman who was told she had stage 2 cancer. She was so frighten, I tried to console her, comfort her but I knew my mind was racing and I could of shown so much more empathy and given her tons more of encouragement, instead I kept thinking of myself. Even with my relief I felt selfish. Here I was praying to be able to do things my way, I should of focused on her.

Tonight I am full of relief and gratitude and yes all that prodding has left me sore. I am typing with a pillow so not to move my arm very much. I am thinking of that lady, her eyes confused in my mind with those of my doctor's eyes. I am sure after a good night's sleep I will be able to do that lady justice with sincere heartfelt prayers for only her. I wish I had given her my phone number....she may need someone who has been there to talk to, I am going to call Brenda, the nurse, and asked her if she could give that lady my name and number in case I can help....I'm not sure she will do this but I have to try. I never have been good at living with guilt, and I feel guilty of being thankful that it was her receiving the bad news and not me, guilty of feeling selfish and guilty of not being there when someone needed a kind and encouraging word. Words I had but didn't use.

Probably I am not being very clear tonight my friends. I have taken a pain killer and have been given 3 more to take if I need them. I cannot take them as I am meeting friends tomorrow for lunch downtown. Their friendship, smiles and just being around friends I love so dearly will be the only pain killer I will need. I would rather be able to drive and meet them than take a pill......they will help me to forget the pain and remember the love.

The lesson for today is prepare for the worse but expect the best of everything this wonderful life gives us. Face all challenges as it is through challenges we can truly appreciate the good times and in my case today, the good news. Give thanks, never ever put off telling those you love just how much they mean to you. It was a scare for sure made worse by remembering the past but it's over. I am well and I am happy.

Thank you God for all my blessings and to all of you Good Night and God Bless. I am sending you all many, many hugs.......:-)


Granny on the Web said...

So glad to hear the 'Good' news Bernie. Must have been awful there all on your own. I think you have got through it so admirably. Prayers are answered. I can see how much you appreciate the relief.
I am having my own battle at the moment; If I can deal with it half as well as you have done, I will be happy with myself.
Keep well dear Bernie,
Love Granny

Bernie said...

Granny, oh I'm sorry to hear you are going through a similar battle. Be strong my friend, I will pray for you.....:-) Hugs

cinner said...

Bernie, I am so glad you got good news today, the relief you must have felt. Jave fun with friends tomorrow. I will keep praying that all stays well. Your a wonderful woman , I can tell, remember sometimes no words even need be said, maybe you smiled at her and it helped. you never know. sleep well.

Bernie said...

Hi cinner, I have just woke up after 2 hours of sleep, thank you sweetie for saying I may have done something right today, I am thinking of that lady now....I am going to try and reach her, I do want to help.......:-) Hugs

jinksy said...

Brilliant post, this one. Glad it's a day that's now done and dusted.
Love & (gentle) hugs to

GrandmaK said...

Praise God, Almighty!!!! I am so glad the test was negative. I too had a cyst drained a number of years ago, but it dissolved when they withdrew the needle (Yes, indeed, it is LONG!).

My mantra at times like these is "Yahweh I know you are near." It seems so comforting!

God Bless!!! Cathy

Eileen said...

Bernie, I'm very happy for your good news, but I'm so sorry you had to go through all that anxious 'not knowing' anticipation for all those hours.
You are so good, Bernie, you carry your crosses quietly and on your own so much of the time.

I hope your soreness heals quickly, and I hope the heaviness in your heart does too.
And you have done something for that young lady, I'm sure everyone reading here will be adding her to their prayer list. What better help can one give?
God uses us all in different ways.
You are such a good soul, Bernie.
God Bless you.
Love you, Eileen

Teacher's Pet said...

Bernie...You are one of the kindest women I have ever met. I know in my heart of hearts that you will be connected to the lovely lady that you are concerned about. The Lord put you there for her. It was no accident. What a giving person you are. If you cannot reach her again physically, remember that the prayers that you will offer the Lord for her will be worth more than any words you or I could say to her. I will also pray for her. Bless you, my sweet friend. I'm very relieved that your test showed no cancer. Your story was so well that I was drawn into that doctor's office and looked into those eyes with you...and I smiled with you. Thank you to God for all his blessings.
Love to you,

Tamara said...

Oh Bernie, I had no idea! I'm so sorry you were alone through all of this. But in the same manner, I know you were a comfort to that young woman with stage 2... I hope you can connect with her again.

Have a good time with your friends today.


Wanda said...

Good morning Bernie...I wish you had not been alone...but you know my thoughts were with you...what an ordeal though...5 hours of waiting, thinking, and needles...hope the pain has lessened today...I understand your relief and the feeling that it consumed your thoughts Bernie...The young lady was probably deep in her own thoughts as well and not ready for too many words from others. I'm sure she felt the empathy and encouragement you gave her. You never know, maybe she is as strong and accepting of her life path as you are of yours do help so many...even through your blog...your life is an example for issues or showing just having compassion for others, faith and gratitude in our lives leads us to contentment.

Smiles always,

Anonymous said...

Dear Bernie, everyday I read your posts I learn more about you. I knew without knowing you were well educated and know you are so full of compassion and empathy. I am thankful with you for your good check up and join you in prayer for another heart in pain, in the spirit of sisterhood. Enjoy your day. You have earned it.

Choices said...

I am so happy to hear your good news. I can feel your relief. Have a wonderful day with your friends.
Take care.

Margie said...

The title of your post, "I am Well"
made me so happy for you, Bernie.
Thank God you are ok!

Many blessings to you, my friend!
You are an inspiration!



Gail said...


I am crying tears of joy and relief with and for you. I felt your every word, expressed emotion and I hung on with you. I can hardly see right now. AND to think that you are reaching to the other woman that you fell may need a friend is So wonderful of you and so, so kind. I am humbled by you Bernie and I can only hope to aspire to be as graceful and giving as you.

With love and admiration

Bernie said...

Thank you jinsky, I do feel your gentle hug.....:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Cathy, for several weeks now I have been living with thinking just maybe that horrible disease was back, now it's time that I have a wonderful lunch with my friends....and I have given many thanks for this new lease on life.
Have a great day......:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Hi Eileen, I need your words to remind me I am human, I am not very sore this morning at all. Am off to meet friends soon.....:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Jackie, I have already called, Brenda wasn't there but they took my message to pass on to her, would so like to connect with that young lady, she couldn't of been more than early forties....ah but I am still feeling the glow of feeling good this morning.
Have a great day......:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Hi Tamara, it's so nice to be able to say I feel good this morning, not very sore at all and will be leaving in a short time to meet my friends......:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Wanda, I feel very good this morning, and I know I had chosen to go it alone.....she was alone as well, I do hope all will work out well for her, I have tried to reach out and God willing I will talk with her sometime....thank you Wanda I knew you would be concerned. Should of e-mailed you last night but I was mentally and physically exhausted and was surprised I even posted....a bit of drama queen I think!....Hugs

Bernie said...

QMM, the experiences of life has given me more education than any I received in college.....but all is well now, thank you God. Have a great day my friend.....:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Choices, thank you sweetie..ah life is good and smells so sweet today......:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Ah Margie, thank you. You are a true and dear friend. I am well Margie and am so thankful for it today especially......:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Oh Gail please don't cry. Your burdens are far greater than mine and I am feeling so light and happy this morning....I am Well!
Luv ya.....:-) Hugs

Valerie said...

Now that I've stopped the tears I can tell you how delighted I am with your news. Maybe a few hugs are in order Bernie.....
{{{{{{{BERNIE}}}}}}} xx

Tranquility said...

I am sorry Bernie, I haven't been regular here, but when I saw the title in my blog roll, I rushed here.

Bernie I am SO HAPPY the cancer has gone away!! I am SO relieved! I wasn't prepared to hear anything else believe me. I feel so helpless when any of you isn't keeping well.

I can COMPLETELY identify with your concern for the lady who was diagnosed with stage two cancer. I would have felt the exact same way of wanting to comfort and empathize with her, till she learns to cope with it better. This just goes to show how pure a heart you have!

I hope when you read this, the soreness has gone away! Loads and loads of love Bernie! :D I am VERY happy today and I hope that when you go back in December, they tell you that the cysts have disappeared too :)

Diana said...

Hi Bernie we are all blessed as you are still cancer free! I wish that I could have been there to hold your hand. I would have gladly have done that. You are a joy to know Bernie and I so admire your strength! I do believe I would have been a baby! And I do hope and pray that that other woman will be alright.
Love Di

Blessings each day said...

Thank you Lord for the blessing of Bernie being well. so good to have good news.

Bernie, I had a couple of scares like that and had fluid drained out of my breast from a cyst there twice! And after the first time the doctor said it would not come back, but it hasn't come back since then. Wish I could have been there with you...Mario was already in AZ then and a good friend went with me.

blessings and grateful hugs,


The Retired One said...

Dearest Bernie,
There is not another person on the earth with the empathy that you possess, I am sure of this. For you to worry about someone else you just had met in the waiting room who had been given a bad diagnosis when you had all your stress and worry...and now pain from the biopsy is a wonder. You have the soul of an angel. Are you sure you are not one? There are earth angels you know.
You are such a sweetheart to offer your counseling to the lady through the nurse you are going to call.
Don't be afraid to take the pain killers for a few nights to help you sleep if you don't want to take them during the day, it will help you heal if you are uncomfortable.
Take care, my friend and I rejoice in the knowledge of your great outcome of no cancer....and say a prayer of thanks for you and of hope for the other lady.

Bernie said...

Val, I felt each one of your hugs and they are gratefully accepted. I am well and happy my friend.
Take care......:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Stillness the sadness has evaporated, I am well and very happy. I was able to leave a message at the hospital, I so hope that lady calls me, I want to share with her that there is a beautiful life after cancer.
Luv you.......:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Di, you would of been as strong if not stronger than I was. No one holds a candle to you my friend as you carry your burdens with so much grace and dignity. Nor does anyone work harder, you are a wonderful wife and mother and I am proud to call you my friend. Luv ya
......:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Joan, if only I were half the woman you are true, caring and loving friend. I am well Joan with only mild discomfort. I had the most beautiful day today...yesterday still seems surreal. I have left my name and number at the hospital and I so hope I have the chance to speak with that lady, she has to know life can be beautiful after cancer.....Love you....:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Marcy my dear friend, those scares can draw the worst or the best out of all of us....I am blessed to know God loves me and his will, will be done. I should of taken a friend with me.....I just didn't want to worry anyone until I knew what I was dealing with, kind of dumb when I think of it now but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
So happy you no longer have those worries and that you no longer have trouble with cyst...I am only a bit uncomfortable today and oh so very happy.
Luv ya my friend......:-) Hugs

Sniffles and Smiles said...

Oh, Bernie!!!!!! I am so glad!!!! I didn't realize that you were a cancer survivor as well!!!!! How did I miss that? Or did I know that before, and has residual chemo brain struck again...yes,yes...I do think that is it!!! I remember now...I have missed so much in the last five weeks, it seems...I'm so sorry...I will continue to pray for your healing...I am so thrilled for you!!!!! Love always, Janine XO

Jerelene said...

Bernie...I am so happy to hear that the doctor had good news for you!! I am sorry that they had to hurt you though :( That's no fun!
You are so sweet to be thinking of the other lady that you met in the office. I'm sure you were a blessing to her.. by just meeting her :)
Again...I'm happy, happy, happy for you!!
Love to you.....Jerelene