Hello my friends, hope you all are enjoying our last long weekend of summer. It is pouring down rain here and the wind is howling like crazy....so glad it's rain and not snow or we would be having a major blizzard.....as it is now it's very cozy listening to the rain fall and the wind blow as I am snuggled in for the night.
Last night I received a comment which sounded familiar but for some reason I felt uncomfortable with it. At first I didn't realize who it was that sent it.....I will back up a little bit.... When I first started blogging a few months there was a lady that use to comment on each of my post. She was one of my first followers. I would say it was probably less than a week when I realized that something wasn't quite right, I didn't like the kind of post she wrote as they always rang untrue to me. She always posted nice comments on my blog but I struggled when trying to comment on hers. Her life ran like a bad soap opera and each post was worse than the previous one. In the beginning I tried to encourage her to do something about her situation, but in each of her post there were more issues put on poor issues. Not only did nothing change but everything grew worse and more desperate. What started as a soap opera was now a full fledged horror movie. I think what bothered me the most is that she seemed to be enjoying the fact that her followers were always worrying about her she basked in their sympathy. She didn't do anything to try and make her situation better, at times her husband would post for her and his were even more dreadful. After three weeks of everyone trying to help her and going back and forth I knew I had to be true to myself as I had always been true to her. I wrote a comment saying that she needed professional help, more help than us lay people could provide. She responded that no one cared, she had no food, no money, their car was broke down and they were going to be evicted from the motel room they lived in and her husband was leaving her. She had no friends and her family hated her (well at that time she said they did). She had no money for professional help or doctor's and she couldn't understand why no one would help her. I then replied and told her every state, city or town had a church with a pastor that could advise her and perhaps guide her in the right direction for the help she needed. Nothing changed....my last comment to her was that she had to grow up and take responsibility for herself and her situations. I also told her that feeling sorry for herself solved nothing and instead of complaining about washing her clothes in a bathtub she should offer to clean the laundromat in exchange to use their washers. I think I was a bit blunt with her and I haven't heard from her since that last comment, I have thought about her a few times these past few months and have prayed for her and her family hoping her and her husband had got their act together, found jobs and were doing better, in my heart it was the best I could do. Then last night she showed up again.......she had changed the spelling of her name so I didn't know it was her.....
She sent me a comment saying she loved my blog, had missed me but life happens and invited me to join her new blog. Since I didn't remember who she was through this comment I checked out her sight and I couldn't believe it. It was her and she is still living in the same motel, complaining about the same horrible people who live there...she has done absolutely nothing about her life except set up a web cam so now everyone can watch her and her husband fight and use four letter words....Well I erased her comment and did not leave a comment at her new site.
I thought about her and my reaction off and on today. By refusing to allow her comment, by not commenting on her post.....did I do the right thing? Where has my compassion and understanding gone? I know my heart and know who I am and usually I like the person I am.....but does turning away from this person make me less compassionate less understanding. I don't think the Good Lord would be very pleased with me as I can't remember ever turning away from someone who needed a friend and this person desperately needs a friend and tons of guidance and profession help. God forgive me but I feel I have made the right decision. When I offered my truth and what guidance I could it wasn't enough, nothing ever was.
My blogging friends have become my blogging family. I love and care for all of them and their families....I do not feel that way about this person. I pray she finds someone who can reach her but I know I am not qualified to meet her needs. This is the only bad experience I have encountered since I have begun blogging. Okay my friends, what do you think, have I done the right thing or should I have reached out and at least tried to help? Have any of you experienced anything like this situation? Joan, I think you know the person I am speaking of as I remember reading your comments to her, has she contacted you? I think I need to pray more on this one my friends.......
Am off to read blogs and comments, have a great Monday everyone. Good Night and God Bless.......and as always.......many, many hugs......:-)
40 comments:
I believe there is a right place, a right time, for the guidance we seek. If one bears right intention and in TRUTH sets to change or improve a particular set of circumstances, I believe our Creator will open THE WAY. We can be responsive to another person's needs, in ways possible and appropriate, but the ultimate responsibility for change rests not with you, the helper, but with the person seeking change.
Blessings and light,
Rose Marie
Rose Marie, again you have the most wonderful words to express what I feel in my heart, I absolutely agree one has to be responsible and want to change for there to be any resolution to whatever problem they may be dealing with....thank you my friend for your uplifting words which always ring true....:-) Hugs
Hi Bernie, I don't believe you turned your back on her. If her new blog had changed you probably would have reacted differently. I know some people that complain about the same things for years, obviously they are not willing to accept or move on, I don't know if it is fear holding them back or they become so used to what they know, My exhusband got in a really bad way, and when I realized things would not change ever, we were through/ If someone is bringing you down, you will be doing no good for yourself or god.I also think some people only know how to be in their world. LiFe does not owe them anything. tHEY owe it to themselves to do the best they can, you told the lady what you thought. and she did not change, you made yourself available and she did not take your advise. Bernie I really believe you did all you could! So try not to worry or beat yourself up about it.Big Hug, I missed you.
Good morning Bernie...
I know who you speak of Bernie, she was living in a resort community in New England, wanted help getting back to Forida at first and later wanted to leave the U.S. and move to England. They were even asking for money donations toward a van at another site! She was an abusive complainer and I stopped commenting too after giving sound advice to her! I haven't heard from her since.
You should not get caught up in her self destructive life. She has a "HUSBAND"...they have had all summer to hitch hike if nothing else back to Florida, that sounds cruel, but in January she complained of being near death because of her health issues and the cold, why then are they still up north???
Bernie...You did the right thing, don't question yourself at all. She needs professional help...not a friend...
Always,
Wanda
hey Bern
i hope i can call u that :) u did the right thing... u tried n m sure knwing u ... u must have given ur best ... n since she isnt receptive to ur guidance... don waste ur efforts n wisdom.. we all have to get up shake off the muck to get our act together.. no one can do it for us.. so my friend let go off any guilt pangs... u can pray for her as u alws do :)
P.S:i did remove makeup n brush my teeth :) my fiance calls me a pseudo dentist cos i m so lazy in night brushing.. hee hee:)
loads of love.. ya the book is great.. so no excuses right!! i m reminding myself :)
hope u feeling better today... take care babes :)
HI BERNIE-
I am so sorry for your conflict. And I "ditto" Rose Marie's wonderful words to you.
And also YOU are truly SO caring and loving and compassionate. Sadly, this person will always need/want more that anyone can give. It appears that she thrives on chaos and being a victim and finds purpose in sharing her tragic life so people will feel sorry for them/her and fix things. The problem is there will always be something broken because without that she doesn't believe she has any worth. I think you did exactly the right thing - because to try and help would feed/enable her sickness to continue.
I truly understand how you feel Bernie - and I would block her from your blog.
Love Gail
peace.....
Someone recently commented on my posts too...saying she came over from your blog...Don't know if it was her.
Well..I honestly believe that if you can't help yourself, no one can. Had I been you Bernie, I would have done the same thing. As if we dont have enough problems of our own, there are people whose problems don't come to an end. You give them suggestions to better their lot, but if they don't pay heed to those, they better be left alone. Wallowing in self pity never did anyone any good. Everything starts with thinking positive and being hopeful!
Don't worry Bernie. I am with you in your decision! God knows you did no wrong
Don't beat yourself up. It sounds as though you did your best and that it wasn't good enough to help this person. It's much easier to drag people down than lift them up, and I suspect she was dragging you down and that you weren't able to help her.
Bernie, I'm running out and will comment better later.
But suffice it to say, you did the right thing!
I'll write more later.
Love you lots, Eileen
Dearest Bernie, Thank you so much for stopping by to check on me while I am on my break...I am so very, very glad to see you... ALWAYS!!! I don't know if you noticed, but I have given everyone a clue with my top, right hand, sidebar post that my return will be very soon...that you can count the number of days on two hands...how's that for a bit of fun?? Thank you for your prayers and friendship... it means the world to me!!! I am sorry that you have had to deal with the awkward and perplexing situation that you have written about in your post...I think you are an extraordinarily wise lady...and I think you and Rose Marie have beautifully sorted this out! Looking forward to seeing you again soon!! I treasure your friendship!!! Sending my love~Janine XO
Bernie, some people actually enjoy being miserable. Eventually it pulls the willing helper down until she feels she (or he) is unable even to listen to any more complaints. Once you begin to feel irritated it is wise to back off before the situation worsens. You saw how nothing had changed when she approached you again. Nothing will, it is in her nature. I admire your perseverence but I would advise you not to worry about it anymore.
cinnear, I know I did the best I could but the situation bothered me yesterday and I think I was just venting and feeling a bit guilty when I posted last night.
Thank you my friend for understanding.....:-) Hugs
Good Morning Wanda, oh I am so glad you know of the situation as I was concerned I had not explained it fairly. I have to say it did bother me a bit as I do hate to see anyone hurting but honestly Wanda she was so dishonest and I could only do what I felt in my heart, my intution told me to step away. Thank you my friend, you know me only too well.
Luv ya......:-) Hugs
Hi Nupps, the whole situation was very draining, I had to turn away but I can't say I like myself all that much for it. It is the right thing for me to do, I know that now.
Take care Nupps, and yes you can call me Bern....you make me chuckle, Tranquility calls me gramma.......:-) Hugs
Gail, what you say is so very true, she will always be broken as she goes through her life. She truly needs professional help, her life is so sad.....thank you for understanding.....:-) Hugs
Tranquility, thank you sweetie, you always are so thoughtful and your words ring true.
Please be careful as I wouldn't want her haunting you, she is a real drama queen and is badly in need of professional help.
Luv you........:-) Hugs
A/C so true, I have to admit I did beat myself up a bit yesterday, I so hate turning away from someone in need....but this case was very different...something I hadn't experienced before and hope never too again. I will keep praying for them though.
Have a great day my friend....Hugs
Hi Eileen, thank you for your voted of confidence, hope you had a wonderful day my friend...Hugs
Janine, I have been thinking about you so much lately that I just had to stop in....I am so happy you will be back soon, you have been so missed.
Thank you for your wonderful words, always loved and always missed my friend.....:-) Hugs
Val, I too have learned in my many years that there are people who are not happy nor would have anything to talk about if they couldn't complain....I feel they will never be happy and it is sad really....sometimes I just have to turn away and give the problem to the Good Lord. Stay well my friend, .....:-) Hugs
There is no law says we have to like every other blogger, nor are we responsible for their choice of how to behave. We all have to choose such things for ourselves- don't feel guilty about your reaction to one who doesn't help herself.
Jinksy, you are so right as usual, there are no laws that rule blogland.....my heart and my conscious are the rules I follow and they have served me well so far. I have always been one to root for the underdog and always want to make everything better now that is living in fantasy world I know.....but I always loved happy endings. So sad that this lady is a train wreck and cannot be helped by me or perhaps anyone....take care my friend.....:-) Hugs
Bernie,
You did the right thing. You did all you could for her and tried to help. It doesn't seem like she really wants to change, but only complain. We can't make someone change, they need to do it themselves. You all do for her. Now it is up to her.
Take care and you really did do the right thing.
Guess I could have left a comment, but I sent you an e-mail.
QMM (Peggy)
Hi Choices, I am feeling better about not posting her comment or leaving her one....I realize it was the right thing to.
Have a wonderful day my friend...Hugs.
So happy for the many comments validating the appropriateness of your actions. Feel marvelous - you deserve!!
Rose Marie, thank you very much. I also received many e-mails today today and a surprise to me was that she has contacted others as well and we all felt the same way. Most didn't want to comment on it as I feel they just don't want her or her negativatity around them...I don't blame them. Now me I always jump in with both feet but it is okay...I was able to get vent and get it out of my system. Have a great day my friend...Hugs
QMM, I received your e-mail and thank you for such wonderful advice.....:-) Hugs
Hi Bernie,
Your absolutely wonderful comment on my Blog has lead me here to your wonderful Blog! Thank you so much for your wonderful words!!
I too believe you did the right thing... I'm not saying that that person was a fraud but we have to be so careful in this virtual world... while there exists so many wonderful, caring and honest people there are also some people playing on the kind hearts and feelings of others to take whatever they can (be it donations, attention or help in other ways) While I know that many people can go through terrible things, as I have also experienced some awful stuff, what's the point in wallowing and complaining to others? life is here for us to live and as we all know every minute is precious as life can pass us by in the flash of an eye!
I had a similar experience last year, someone who never stopped complaining and every message was depressing and hopeless, life had no hope, no way to go on... no matter how many positive thoughts or opinions I gave the person would hit me right back with endless negative problems and stories of remarkable happenings... I stopped contact in the end and deleted all my messages as it was beginning to make me depressed and I had enough problems of my own to cope with! I know that sounds heartless and I'm not heartless, I too am always willing to help someone whenever I can, but something just told me that the person was lying to get attention, it became obvious...
Definately you made the right decision, so don't feel bad!!
Big Hugs for you lovely lady!! XX
Hi Bernie, I came to thank you for your comment on my labor day blog...I couldn't have said it better myself. Then I read your post and all the comments. I have no idea who you're talking about, however, I have come across two in the last few days that shocked me with their horrible posts and comments. It almost made me want to quit blogging, so I wouldn't be upset by them again. I just want to say I agree with all the comments left on this issue...I think we tend to think that people are like us, responsible, hard working, etc., but then you find that they aren't all like that. The goodness in you gave it your all, but there isn't enough help for some people...what they need is the Lord, and nothing else can bring lasting change to their lives. The best help you can give her now is prayer. Take care, Bernie..you are precious!
Mary
Hello Brit, so nice to have you stop by and thank you for your kind words....hope all is going well for you.....:-) Hugs
There are toxic people that come into our lives and you have to remove them or they will drag you down with them.
I live in the boonies and, like you, my online friends are often the only ones I can turn to when I need help but I have had to let some go because they were draining me emotionally. The ones I kept are very precious to me.
That woman was lying if she said she could not get the help she needed. In the U.S. you can get that kind of help for nothing if you are jobless and go to the local mental health center. Like you, I lose patience with people who refuse to get the help if they really need it. If it is so bac why isn't she out getting a job instead of spening her time blogging? If she is so poor, how does the afford a computer?
I think you did the right thing. You are way too kind to people.
Mary, thank you so much. It is so true....I just cannot think for the life of me why anyone would spend so much time online making friends only to lie to them, it is something I wouldn't think of doing so I never thought anyone else would. I agree she really needs our prayers.
Love and many blessings....Hugs
Hi Garnet, you are very right I have made many precious friends online, you included. It was time to let go and not feel any guilt over it, but she does still need our prayers...Luv ya.....:-) Hugs
Do you remember the Bible story about Jesus at the Pool of Bethesda? Jesus asked the man, "Do you want to be healed?" The man answered, "yes" and was healed. Not everyone wants to be healed. Some actually want to wallow in the mire. There is no help for them until they want to be healed. You certainly were gracious and helpful but I beleive you are doing the right thing to erase those comments before they are published. Perhaps since you are using comment moderation, you can send them directly to the junk mail without having to read them at all. I hope so. Blessings on you.
Hi Brenda, I did what I thought was the right thing and from my comments and e-mails so has everyone else.....she has contacted many others as well so I wasn't as alone as I thought I was. So sad really, this lady needs many prayers.....:-) Hugs
some people are sick beyond our assistance, you said it yourself 'seek professional help' are you a professional? (although, I think you are):) but the responsibility does not lie in your hands. Rest easy, my friend, you did the right thing.
Kay, thank you....perhaps I am a professional friend as that is a passion of mine....I so love people of all cultures, creeds, faith, and ages. I have been blessed to make many new friends blogging and they mean very, very much to me....Luv ya....:-) Hugs
Dear Bernie,
You have a bottomless heart but luckily also finely-tuned instincts. Your advise to this person rings true. However, her responses and even her postings may actually be lies. You are a "giver" who sends positive vibes to others. Apparently she is a "taker" whose bottomless need creates negative vibes. Your prayers for this soul are the very best you can do for her.
Hi Barb, you are so kind with your comments....As much as I dislike the word I have to say it, I know her post were mostly all lies. She needs much more help than I can possibly give but I can offer prayers......Luv ya, Hugs
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