Friday, February 12, 2010

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

Tomorrow is Valentine's day and also your birthday. I remember how dad would always tease you about being his birthday valentine. I miss you mom.

We had our differences when I was a child, but from the time I was 13 years old I don't think we had a cross word between us, even if I did something wrong you would always help me and oh the things we never told Dad. You always were there for me, and I always knew it. With you I felt safe and loved always. What a blessing you were to me mom. I still have the tape from my answering machine that you left your last message to me on and when I long to hear your voice I play it over and over again. It makes me smile, cry, happy and sad. I am so thankful I have it as your voice is a little piece of heaven to me.

I like to think that you are with Dad, Woody and Scotty. Thinking of you all together lightens the ache in my heart when I miss all of you so very much.

We had so many good times, times when we laughed so hard that you had to sit down to catch your breath. Just silly little things that only a mother and daughter would laugh over. We cried together over our hurts and we held on to each other when we were worried or disappointed. How lucky I was to have had you. We shared the last five years of your life together almost as one.....everyone else had someone, you and I had each other and I thank God every day that he gave me this special time with you.

Mom it still bothers me that on the day I drove you to the hospital I wouldn't let you smoke in my car. If I had known you would never be coming out of the hospital I would of let you smoke the whole package. I honestly didn't realize how sick you were. When you ask me to call Father McKee to anoint you with the last rites and there were just the 3 of us there, I still didn't think I was going to loose you. I guess I was in deep denial as I wanted to think we had many more years together. It was only when your doctor showed me your chart indicating you had heart disease as well as cancer that I knew we were in trouble. You went so fast mom, I thought it was good that you didn't have to suffer but as the years have passed I wish we would of had more time than we did.

You accepted your situation with such courage and grace. You had no fear, you were ready to go home. You had such faith and you were tired. You wanted to see Dad again and I understood.

If I had you back again for only a few minutes there is nothing I could say that I hadn't already told you, except how much I miss you. You knew I loved you and you knew I would make it on my own. You always told me I had the strength to handle whatever came my way and I guess you were right. I have survived and live a life filled with love and happiness. You taught me that whatever happened in my life that God's grace would protect me and see me through and he has. Each night I pray the Rosary you gave me, I love it so much and feel so close to you as I touch each bead. You would love the CD I have with the Rosary and mysteries on it and I know you are smiling as I use to say to you can't we just go to sleep, do we have to say the Rosary......we always said it. When Sylvia would visit we would still say it and we both knew how happy you were that we were together to do so.

Everything has changed since you have gone home mom and although I don't like change very much we know it is inevitable.....again you taught me it is not about what happens but how we react to it. Your favorite saying was you can achieve more with honey than vinegar has always stayed with me. You also told me a smile cost me nothing but could mean so much to someone else. As I grow older I realize how wise you were.....I only had to listen.

I know you are at peace now mom and this brings me great comfort. Kiss my boys for me and I wish you a Happy Birthday in heaven........so love and miss you.

97 comments:

Denise said...

Such a precious tribute. Happy Birthday to your angel mom sweetie.

Donna said...

Bernie, I know the pain of losing your loved ones. My mother passed away when I was expecting Jennifer 28 years ago. I still think of my mother every day. I do know that she and Amber are in Heaven and one day I will see them again.
Blessings,
Donna

Ruth said...

I have a lump in my throat after reading this post ~ am sending you a hug hug across the miles. x

Wanda said...

Bernie, as I sat here first thing this morning, reading of the love for your mom and the sadness of missing her, it made me wish I could make any and every pain in your life, both mental and physical disappear for evermore! I know you can make it on your own, but would like to be with you this moment. The next person that hugs you...think of it as from me too!
Love...Wanda

Blessings each day said...

What a beautiful tribute to your mother, Bernie, it choked me up and made me think of my own mother and I miss her so much, she was tender and loving.

What a lesson to be learned that we never regret all the wonderful and loving things and always wish we could have only brought more happiness (although the not smoking in your car would speak to me of your love for your mom as it would have stopped just a little more damage).

Love, love love the fact that you say the rosary so faithfully...what a beautiful connection that you maintain to you sweet mother as well as to God!

blessings and loving hugs,

marcy

Diana said...

Good Morning Bernie,
Boy my blogger friends sure have a way of making me feel not so alone. First Eileen and now you. I found it very nice that your mom and my mom taught us the same phrase about getting more with honey than vinegar. I remember the exact day that my mom told this to me and the circumstance. I was younger than Kate. And the smoking in the car is something Ginny would do to me! I am sorry about your mother Bernie. She sounded like a wonderful person that taught you a lot about life. God Bless her. Love Di

Wander to the Wayside said...

Bernie, this is such a bittersweet post, and such a lovely and loving tribute to your mom. I didn't have this kind of connection to a mother of my own, but do treasure the fact that I have it with my daughter, and know that someday she will share some of these same words when thinking of me.

Thank you for sharing your heart.

Maggie May said...

Gulp.... that really brought a lump to my throat.
Beautifully written. I still miss my mum too and I think I always will, no matter what my age. I think that is the way it is with mothers.
I also think that we always feel guilty after a death because it is natural that we could always have done more or been kinder. That is because we are only human. I sincerely hope that you know by now that you are forgiven because I believe that we end up *above all those things that bind us to the earth.*
Hugs... Maggie X

Nuts in May

Margie said...

Dear Bernie
Oh, so very touching!
You really touched my heart with this post!
You had such a loving and special relationship with your mom!
I did too with my mom and reading your letter to your mom made me miss mine so very much!
She too was very special as your mom was!

Have to get off here as I have so many things I have to do today before leaving for San Fran early tomorrow morning.

Be back to visit you when I return.
Sending my warmest greetings to you and happy valentine's day!

Hugs
Margie:)

Queenmothermamaw said...

Dear Bernie that was the most beautifully written letter to a mom I think I have ever read. I know how you must especially think of her on Valentines Day. Of course we think of our loved ones who have passed but the time around a special time that one has shared with them is when the memories come on strong. Holidays, birthday. I sometimes feel a memory coming on about my loved ones and it flashes in my mind that today or tomorrow is this or that and that is their love centered on us too.
Blessings to you.
QMM

Marilyn said...

Beautiful letter that touched my heart deeply. Our loved ones are missed daily, and we are so blessed to have them Home because of our faith. Blessings to you and yours.

Gail said...

OH BERNIE-

Tears are gently falling from my eyes. Your words of love and tribute and honor and grief are so powerful and beautiful. I hung on your every word and I felt everything deeply. I will just say "Happy Birthday" to your Mom and tell you how happy I am to read of your wonderful relationship with her. Oh Bernie, this is incredible.

Love to you my friend
Gail
peace......

Just Be Real said...

Bernie, appreciate reading the touching letter to your mother. Thank you for sharing. Blessings.

Rebecca said...

Hope you don't mind that I laughed AND cried...I chuckled about the things the two of you kept from your father. I marveled about the fact that as far as you remember there were no cross words between you after the age of 13. And I cried at the feelings of being an orphan that you describe so personally...

Hoping much of the love you have given out all your life comes back to you in a special way tomorrow! I'm sending some your way right now!

xoxoxoxoxox

GrandmaK said...

Blessing on you!! Hugs and love!!! Cathy

Ashley Siferd said...

Oh Bernie. This is so beautiful. Two years ago my Grandma died just a few days after her birthday. This past Tuesday was her birthday, and reading your post made me smile and feel warm even when I want to feel sad. God bless you!

wendyytb said...

Lovely sentiments, Bernie. I bet your mom is really proud of her daughter.

Anvilcloud said...

There are people who are great in the eyes of many and others who are great in the eyes of their loved ones, and that's important.

Bernie said...

Denise, thank you and yes to me she was an angel.....:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Donna, it is what has kept me holding on knowing that I will join my family one day....:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Ruth, thank you for the hug, the one thing I really love and always try to share with others...:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Wanda, hugs are so special and should always be shared. You are such a special friend and I know you understand how I feel over most things. Love having you as my friend. Big hugs to Alivia..:-)Hugs

Bernie said...

Marcy, do you know that my b/p has reduced to perfect since I began filling my bedroom with prayer every night, my doctor was shocked as I don't take and medication and he asked me what I was doing differently...honestly Marcy this was the only change I had made. The power of prayer is amazing.
Love you......:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Di, I thought the same thing, you, Eileen and myself all missing our mothers as their memories are so strong at the same time of year.
We were blessed to have the mothers we did. Have a great weekend my friend......:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Linda, I think the relationship you have with your daughter is so important and when I read your post I know you are so close to each other....love it.
Have a great weekend....:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Maggie, a mother/daughter bond is very strong. I was so blessed to have my mom, she was so warm and funny and I miss her very much. I don't carry guilt Maggie as I know my mom has forgiven me for everything I ever did.....hope you are well my friend.....:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Margie, I think the bond between mother and child is forever. I was so blessed to have mine, have a wonderful week my friend...:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Peggy, so true my friend. It is easy to write from the heart when one has been blessed to know the love I was raised with. I miss my mom every day and I know she would want me to carry on in a loving way towards others.....:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Marilyn thank you for your kind words....I could only bare my burdens because of my faith..Hugs

Bernie said...

Gail, those of us who were blessed with mothers who loved and cared for us should always share that love with others. To me, my mom was the best and I miss her every day. I am so proud to be her daughter......:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

JBR, thank you. I know you experienced a far different childhood than I did and I am so sorry for that....you can now break the circle and teach others how to raise above the pain..Hugs

Bernie said...

Rebecca, my mom had the best sense of humor, she loved to laugh and did it often.....a mothers love is more than any other. She was such a blessing to me and many others. Have a great weekend sweetie..Hugs

Bernie said...

Cathy, thank you. I am wishing you a loving and blessed weekend..Hugs

Bernie said...

Ashley, we will always miss the ones we love but we honor them by loving others. Have a great weekend my friend....:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Wendy, thank you. I was so blessed to have her and I like to think she would be proud that I carried on as she would want me too.......:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

A/C I would so prefer to be remembered with love from those who really know me than by many who only knew of me.....:-) Hugs

Brian Miller said...

such a touching tribute. happy birthday valentine!

Bernie said...

Brian, thank you, this post came from my heart......:-) Hugs

CARMELINA LOUNSBURY said...

what a wonderful way to keep your mothers memory alive in your heart...

glad to have you back Bernie...
I'm following you now too...

and I'm happy to hear that my egg post helped you to remember some good old memories as well...
i miss my papa...he's been gone now for a year and a half...

hang on to your memories...they really do make us who we are inside!

ciao...

Bernie said...

ciao, we are blessed to have good memories.....thank you for your kind words.......:-) Hugs

Choices said...

Such a beautiful tribute to your mom. It is so very hard to loose a loved one, but they will always be in our hearts forever.
Sending hugs to you.
Take care, Bernie.

Bernie said...

Anne, they are always in our hearts, sometimes this brings warmth and other times grief...I would rather have the memories even if it includes the grief.
Have a great weekend.....:-) Hugs

cinner said...

Bernie, that is one of the most beautiful letters I have ever read, It made me cry, a truly love tribute to your Mom, what wonderful memories. A huge hug is being sent your way.

Bernie said...

Cinner as I went to bed last night I was thinking about my mother and I grew lonesome so I opened my laptop and wrote her a letter. I miss her but am thankful I had her as long as I did.....:-) Hugs

THE OLD GEEZER said...

Thank you for opening your heart and sharing your mother's birthday with us.

I lost both my parents five weeks apart in 1999 and no matter how many years go by I still miss them

God bless you, Ron

Abbey said...

There is nothing to compare with the love of one's own Mother. I know she watched as you wrote this beautiful letter to her, and she probably had a chuckle or two as well. I'm sorry that you miss her. My mother is still with me. It will be a really hard day when she leaves this earth. You are a good and loving daughter now, just as you have always been. Look forward to seeing her and spending eternity with you mother and nothing but pure love everywhere.

Blessings and PEACE,
Abbey

The Retired One said...

Oh Bernie, such a touching post and tribute to your mother.
I, too, have lost both my mom and dad. My mom's birthday is Feb. 16th (also very close to Valentine's Day). I had my mom in our home for her final 3 months of life when her cancer had spread to her brain. I was holding my mom's hand and was alone with her when she passed. (I was also with my dad and held his hand when he passed). It is so very true that you wish you could have at least a moment more when they are gone.
Your mother would be SO PROUD of the person you are, Bernie. I can think of NO ONE sweeter or kinder to others and with a bigger heart than you.
Sending big {{hugs}} your way and please know I am holding your hand from afar to comfort you when you get those pangs of lonesomeness for your mom....as I know the feeling all too well.

glnroz said...

oh myy, oh myyy,, Ma Bernie....

Barb said...

Dear Bernie, Hugs to you from CO. The love and lessons from your Mother made you the person you are and give you strength to live life in a positive way. To hold our Mothers in our hearts is the greatest tribute to them after they're gone.The vinegar saying must have been a universal "Mom lesson" - my mother also gave me that advise! I'm glad you have such good memories, Bernie - even though you miss your Mom, she'll always be a part of you.

Eileen said...

Beautiful, Bernie.
I love reading your relationship with your Mom, it sounds wonderful. And I love hearing all the wise little sayings everyone's mother taught them. I want to remember to tell Jayden each day that one about it costing nothing to smile but how much it might give to another. I remember after my sister Diane lost her mother-in-law, her husband told us that his Mom always said to her three boys as they left the house each day, "Make a friend", I just think it's all so endearing.
I think your mother taught you well, Bernie, and you obviously learned her lessons (Blessings) because you are such a wonderful, caring, giving person with such a good heart.
I love the thought of your Mom being with your Dad, and your husband, and son, it must give you so much comfort.
Love to you, Bernie ~
Eileen

Bernie said...

Ron, I lost my mom, my son and my FIL withing 2 and half months of each other...I'm not sure how I coped really but one does what they have to do.
you are so right, we always miss them no matter how long it has been......:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Abbey you are so blessed to have your mom to love and be a part of your life. Yes I miss mom but I know she is happy and will be there for me when it is my turn. I don't think any love compares to that of a mother's love....it is special......:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Joan, I held my mother in my arms as she passed, she had asked to lay beside her as her back was cold, we both were laying on the hospital bed and I realized her breathing had changed so as I got up to check she took her last breath. I am glad I was there to hold her.....she was a great mother......:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

glnroz, hello my friend, I wish you a wonderful weekend.....Hugs

Bernie said...

Barb I think you are right as our mothers live on through us don't they and yes that saying must of been universal just as that "poney" we all had our picture taken on....I still can't believe how that poney got around can you.
Have a wonderful weekend my friend. ......:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Eileen, I think you, Diana and I are all feeling about the same right now.....we are all missing our mom's.
I do think Mom is with my husband and son, it makes it easier for me to deal with their deaths.
My mom was a great lady, she was so funny but most of all she was kind and always shared whatever she had....I loved that about her as God love her she didn't have much but she would give it away if someone needed it more than she did.
I think the 3 of us had wonderful mothers and that is why we miss and love them so much....:-) Hugs

Cheryl said...

Precious and so full of love. Thank you for sharing this. It makes me stop and really think hard. The love for your mom just shines through your letter. I am sending you a big hug!

Garnetrose said...

What a beautiful tribute. She must have been a beautiful woman, inside and out. I see where you get your compassion that you share with others.

Like Wanda, I would like to hug you and let you know what a special person you are. And you are that because of your mother.

Bernie said...

Cheryl, hug received and thank you. There always was lots of love at my house, I was blessed.
.......:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Garnet, thank you for your kind words....I would love for everyone to have known my mom, she was pretty special and I know you would love her.
Happy Valentine's day sweetie, hope all is going well....Hugs

Eternally Distracted said...

A fabulous tribute Bernie, it brought a tear of happiness to my eye as you recounted the tales of your relationship with your Mother. I am sure she is smiling down on you and sending you the biggest of hugs. You are an angel Ms Bernie and I think you are FABULOUS :0)

debbie said...

OH PRECIOUS BERNIE,
WITH TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE I AM SENDING YOU A VIRTUAL HUG AND SO WISH I WAS THERE BESIDE YOU TO TALK AND SHARE,
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU BERNIE AND YOUR MOM WHO I KNOW IS SO PROUD OF YOU.
MY MOTHER'S MOTHER PASSED ON TO HEAVEN 33 YEARS AGO AND SHE STILL MISSES HER MOTHER TERRIBLY.
I MISS AMY SO MUCH.
HOW BLESSED TO HAVE 5 YEARS WITH YOUR MOM BUT I KNOW IT IS ALSO DIFFICULT IN A CHRONIC CONDITION...
YOU ARE SO PRECIOUS BERNIE TO ME AND SO MANY OTHERS IN BLOGLAND. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL INSIDE AND OUT.
IT IS ONLY GOD THAT CAN CARRY OUR PAIN BECAUSE I KNOW WITH JUST MYSELF IT IS TOO HEAVY FOR ME TO CARRY.
ONCE AGAIN HAPPY VALENTINES DAY...I WISH I COULD TAKE YOUR PAIN AWAY BUT I KNOW THE MAN THAT CAN AND YOU ARE ON MY PRAYER LIST EVERY DAY AS I KNOW YOU PRAY FOR ME.
HUGS AND LOVE
SIMPLY DEBBIE

Bernie said...

ED, thank you. I was blessed to have a wonderful mom and we shared so much......luv ya....:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Debbie, I know how much you miss Amy, it is a difficult journey one travel in grief....I pray for you and your family every day.
Thank you for your kind words, I do miss my mom very much.
Happy Valentine's Day to you Debbie, I hope you and hubby have a real special day.....:-) Hugs

Madison said...

This post speaks to me. I bet God hand-delivered the note to your mother and one day you'll see her waving it in the air.

sarah said...

this is beautiful...what a great memory of someone so special.

Mary333 said...

Oh Bernie, I'm sorry that you have lost so many loved ones. Your post was so touching that it brought tears to my eyes. Happy Birthday to your mom in heaven and Happy Valentines day to my favorite blogger. May God be with you as you remember your lost loved ones. You are in my prayers.

Bernie said...

Madison, what a wonderful thing for you to say, I love the thought that God hand delievered my letter to my mother and that she will be waving it at me in time.....:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Sarah, my mom was beautiful, it was easy to share my heart with her in a letter......:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Mary, I would rather have someone pray for me than give me a million dollars so I thank you with all of my heart.......:-) Hugs

Ari_1965 said...

Lovely post. Thank you.

Bernie said...

Ari, thank you. I do hope you are having a nice day.....:-) Hugs

Karen said...

Nobody can replace a mom. Sending love. . . God bless.

Bernie said...

Karen, thank you. I tried to find your blog.....where are you?
Big Hugs my friend.....:-)

Anita said...

Oh Bernie, that makes me know how much I love my mother.
Thank you for pouring out your heart for us.
You are so blessed to have experienced your mother's love and that of your other family too. Perhaps it's what lets us deal with death and able to live on.
Blessings.

Bernie said...

Anita, one can never have too much love in their life....yes when you know love it helps to accept death and move forward but still this can be a slow process.....:-) Hugs

Snowbrush said...

What a sweet letter. As a boy growing up in an utterly undecorative Protestant denomination, I envied you Catholics with your statues, altars, crucifixes, rosaries, stained glass windows, holy water founts, and so forth. I longed for such beauty and ritual, and I still envy you it. I also envy you the closeness you had with your mother. She sounds as if she were your best friend--and you hers.

Of course, you would have let her smoke, but I will dare to say that she doesn't hold it against you.

Bernie said...

Snow, what are you doing up so late, you should be sleeping.
My Faith brings me much comfort and I am blessed in so many ways as are others with their Faith's.
Yes Snow my mom was my best friend and we had many wonderful years together, a mother's love is special and the bond between mother and child should never be broken. I know mom wouldn't even think about the cigarette issue, I think it is me who hasn't dealt with it. Mom never held a grudge....she was pretty special.
Hope you are feeling better Snow, take care......:-) Hugs

Snowbrush said...

Sleeping? Me? Alberta is probably an hour or more ahead of Oregon, which means you're the one who should be sleeping, eh? Besides, my chair is by the front door, so even if I were asleep, Peggy would only wake me up when she comes in around midnight. We seldom go to bed before 1:30.

S Kay Murphy said...

Bernie, this is just such a beautiful tribute to your mom. Thanks for sharing your heart.

Kay said...

oh.... BIG *hug* for you, ms.bernie

Bernie said...

Snow I knew you were raised in Oregon but didn't realize you still lived there....Hope you managed some sleep last night. Have a good day my friend...Hugs

Bernie said...

Kay, I guess I did put my heart out there but I love and miss her so very much.....:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Kay....thanks for the hug sweetie, always love my hugs......:-) Hugs right back at you.

Victor S E Moubarak said...

I am praying for you and your family.

Thank you for visiting my Blog and commenting there.

God bless you and yours always.

Snowbrush said...

Me from Oregon? No, no, no, I'm from the Deep South, Mississippi to be exact, 100 miles from New Orleans. I only came to Oregon in 1986, left in 1988 for two years in Minneapolis, and then came back to Oregon.

Bernie said...

Victor, thank you for your prayers. They are the best gift ever to me. I enjoy your blog very much......:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Snow, I do remember you tellng us abou Mississippi but somehow I thought you were in New York...I'm not sure how I had that idea in my head. I do hope you are doing better my friend.....:-) Hugs

Gaurav Kant Goel said...

Very touching post Bernie! May GOD be with you and with all of us always!!

Brenda said...

Dear Bernie,
What a sweet tribute to your mom. My mother's birthday was February 15th. I have thought of her often these past few days. I resonate with some of the things that you said about your mom. Blessings on you.

Soutenus said...

What a beautiful letter. Blessings to you and prayers for your Mom, too.
I am too overcome with thoughts to even create a coherent sentence . . .
So, let me simply say, thank you for sharing that letter.

May the souls in purgatory rest in peace and may the souls of the faithfully departed rest in peace.

Bernie said...

Gaurav, thank you for your kind words......:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Brenda, all birthday, holidays or anniversaries bring thoughts of my mom, I miss her terribly but I know she is at peace and that brings me great comfort....:-) Hugs

Bernie said...

Soutenus, thank you for visiting my blog and your prayers.
My mom was pretty special, not only to me but to those who knew her......:-) Hugs

the wild raspberry said...

Bernie, You are such a lovely, sweet person! I love to read your posts and your comments. Thank you for sharing this deeply, loving tribute to your sweet mother.
Love to you. Debbie

Bernie said...

Debbie, thank you sweetie. I hope you and your family are doing well.
Much love......:-) Hugs

Tranquility Speaks said...

Just a fabulous tribute to your Mom Bernie! In ways we don't even know about, she knows what you are feeling and thinking and is so so glad to be your Mom :) Loads of love to you :)